As a grieving person myself, I know what it takes to remember how to feel joy or laugh with people around you and try to act like nothing happened, even If you feel like your heart is gonna explode. Sometimes a person can feel pressure on him/her/them-self for acting nice, wise and happy to people around them. But in reality how can I act wisely if I miss my people, my childhood, even my old self so deeply?

When I say grieving I don't mean just a person who feels grief for people that passed away. We can grieve for our expired relationships with lovers, friends, family members, we can grieve for our old selves, for our animals, childhood home, clothes and even for our old joy. And I think we can’t expect someone to act happy just to feel okay about our happiness and excitement. I know this experience when someone, like your close friend, siblings, parents or lover is grieving, but you have something to hold on and be excited. There is a possibility that grieving people feel offended or sad or even mad at us, our experiences during and after their grief. We have to understand that they are not offended or sad, because we are living our lives. They are sad because there is thought and fear like “are they forgetting about them/she/he?. Is it just like that, someone they know is gonna die and they will continue to live their lives? What would happen if I were to die?”. They feel offended because they can't stand this cruel world. Their loved one died, they had to bury one of their child, sibling, friend, lover, but people act like life still goes on. In fact life goes on. But how?

One night I received a call and some voice said to me “your brother is gone now.”-from the other side of the phone. And next morning I have to see the sun rising, hear birds clapping between the sounds my mom is screaming and phones ringing. Now some of them come to my room, kiss my head and say “You are gonna be okay, you can survive this world. You can survive this cruel world without a brother on your side.” I didn't understand these sentences back then, If I tell the truth I hated all these statements my whole existence. I didn't need consolation about my loss. I needed someone to hold my hand and at the same time give me enough space to mourn. I was angry at everything, EVERYTHING. I still have some anger inside of me. I cut off contact with relatives and friends, who still continue to live their lives without hesitation and make me feel like there is nothing wrong and I have to be hopeful about life, like I have to comfort about their own happiness in their own experiences through my grieving process. Sometimes we need comfort about our own joy because we need to make sure everyone and ourselves that we are good people and doing nothing wrong. And now I think there is nothing wrong with that, if you give someone enough space in your joy for them to feel grief and process it. Because I am not the same old me, neither my world nor my soul. If we don’t give some sort of patience about our feelings and experiences to each other then probably we are gonna drift apart. After all of this I realized that I have to learn every single detail about life, about myself from the rough. I made this statement meaning of my life, and my whole perspective changed about living, surviving and thriving.No matter what happens after they're gone, I put my hands on my shoulder and said quietly, “ We are learning to live, you don't fail, you just learn. You are learning and collecting lessons and memories, so you can talk about all of these when you meet them again, in heaven or another universe.”

It is a common experience that, if someone close to us grieving we tend to try to push them to feel better about their loss. But in reality we are just pushing them more and more just for secret suffering. I can see that it can be hard, even unbearable just to watch your loved one sleep their days off and rooting all day long, even for months and years. But when you are grieving it is even impossible focusing on another topic, like holiday lights, family or friend gathering, etc. Their effects depend on a person’s own experience. If you are grieving, you know this experience, somedays you just want to talk about them, their existence, their lives, their favorite color, how they act, how they laugh, other days you want to talk about how you lost them in just a split second, what was like losing them, how they passed away and there is another kind of days, you just don't talk about them or anything at all. You just repeat conversations inside of your head, and asking questions, sometimes you answer your own questions from their perspectives.

When grief felt the most heavy to me, I wanted to talk about other people's ordinary days. Some days I layed on the ground and told my friends just to talk about their uni lifes, love lifes, even if they have beautiful coffee or some conflict that day. I wanted to hear this kind of thing other than hearing something like “You know everybody has their own time or you have to be strong. Oh, sorry for asking but how did they pass away?”. Those sentences or any other sentences confirming my brother’s pass makes me throw up and just scream in their faces. It does not matter how old I am, when I lost some loved one’s, it does not matter how many years have passed after them. It feels wrong and unnatural to me using past sentences when I talk about them. I met some people who are grieving. And each of them have their unical but similar experience about processing grief.

After losing someone, gatherings, holidays, birthdays and any other occasions that are accepted as a “special day” become extremely hard days for grieving people. Because “special days”-are days you realize their absence most. You want to show them christmas lights, your birthday gifts, someone you love, a letter you write for them. But when you wake up for that day, you realize they are not around anymore. Their room is empty now, the smell of their clothes they wore for the last time is fading away every day and you can not do anything about the fading smell of them. You just stare. Stare their photos, stare at their clothes, stare at their absence. This is where you can feel grief with all your body, brain and soul, this state is the one of the hardest parts about “special days” and grief. After your loss, an ordinary day becomes more safer for you. Because you know there is no pressure on you, you don't have to talk to anyone or fake a smile on your face. When it comes to holiday eve you see more people than before. You know that they probably do not know how you feel or think about dying or feel regret for everything. Because it is easy to think that if someone loses their beloved one they probably feel sad. In fact sadness comes as a last one and stays with you forever. Based on these reasons mostly you want to spend your days with their absence. Or take them everywhere with you.

There are bittersweet moments like you are realizing how special and important spending days with them is. And you start to give attention to other family members, friends and lovers, even people you randomly met at the bookstore, store or a coffee shop. You know that, you learned that, they are not around forever, they will not be around forever. You Have To pay attention to small details, like how they make their hair when they stand up in front of a mirror, how they like to drink their coffee, or how they tap their fingers to each other when they get excited. Every loss I experienced trained me to focus on more little details. Because my brain started to work like, “if it is the only way to keep them alive, you have to remember all the little details about them”.

Sometimes you can meet or see grieving people from afar, they just sit at the corner and observe everything. Maybe that's because they want to keep people alive in their own minds. In this case, that person may need space and understanding to openly talk or not talk about their feelings,excitement, loss, or their private life.

But I know that when you experience any kind of grief, you start to pay every single detail about different people around you, so maybe you can understand your loved one, maybe when they are around you did not have a chance to ask them questions and fully understand what was happening inside of their head, but you can see similar acts, thoughts, feelings, experiences on other people, so one day you will get a chance to ask and understand, in reality you just think you can get to chance to see glimpse of your loved one, even if answers do not come from same body or same voice. You know that, this kind of hope is the last drop.

On this holiday eve you may feel exhausted, sad, you may miss, you may be angry or you may experience just bittersweet happiness. In fact you are gonna feel something as a human. But there is a possibility that you may feel like you are not a human. As a neurodivergent person, from time to time I feel that way. Sometimes being neurodivergent can make a difference in situations, especially on “special days”. So many things can trigger ND people and it can drag us to burnout. We have to be careful because, there is a possibility that if we ignore signs from the start, we can go back to our harmful habits.

If you feel an urge that you can't control and you can't resist it and do it, such as self harm, binge eating or not eating at all, some kind of drug, excessive alcohol consumption, dangerous sexual urges, etc. Please just consider contacting someone who can help you (your therapist, your family member, friend, doctor, some emergency contact). I know it can be so hard to start over your healing journey, but you have to know that, if you are alive, you still have chances, if you did it once, you can do it twice and start all over again.

I know it would be heaven if other people and systems consider neurodivergent people, but that is not the case at least for now. So, we have to consider each other. As a neurodivergent person I think I can choose my hyperfixation items, foods, clothes and any other thing just to calm myself and keep me entertained. In some situations I do not want to explain to someone what hyperfixation items are and why I have calmed myself even when events seem small. Not just the events, textures, voices, grief can also trigger us.

Coming to the end of this essay, I want to wish every person who reads this a peaceful, warm holiday. I know there is peace if you feel like everybody moves on but you are still at the restaurant.

But if you have a table and if you would let me, I can spend my christmas night, new year and any other “special day” with you. You are worth the time, effort, love and gifts, please don't ever forget that. You don't have to be alone, neither am I. I know their absence makes us sick, but at least we have each other. Happy new year my loved one, I may not know you but I see you!

Happy holidays!